Listen to it
“No one can dry another person’s tears without getting their own hands wet,” a saying goes. Here is how we can help those who have suffered a loss.
Things that do not help
- Avoid platitudes such as, “I know how you feel”, “You’re young enough, you can have more children”, “Are you still not feeling any better?” These are tactless and show little compassion.
- To cover up their own feelings of helplessness in the face of someone else’s loss, many people simply say something, anything—often without giving it much thought. For example, they explain that God’s children ultimately have reason to rejoice in every situation in life, given their beautiful faith. And grieving individuals, who are still reeling from the incomprehensibility of their loss and pain, then withdraw and shut themselves off even more.
- Advice, however well-intentioned, is not always well received. Especially not when it starts with, “You must …”.
- General offers of support such as, “You can call me at any time,” usually come to nothing. They do not seem sincere and require a degree of initiative from the grieving person that he or she can hardly muster.
- Phrases like “We will meet again” or “You’ll get through this” or “God makes no mistakes” often seem to someone who has recently lost a loved one as if people are trying to console or minimise their grief.
- Even a well-intentioned but thoughtless remark after a midweek service such as, “Have a nice evening,” can hurt. How can anyone have a nice evening without their beloved partner?
What helps
- Reach out and signal your willingness to talk, for example, by asking questions that show you care: “What is important to you right now?” The person can then decide for themselves whether they want to talk or not.
- Listen. Anyone who listens to the questions of the grieving person and is attentive to their feelings shows genuine compassion. People who have lost a loved one need people to whom they can talk about their loved one and their loss.
- Being there. Many people avoid encounters and conversations with people who are grieving because they feel helpless and fear doing something wrong. But when a grieving individual realises that she is being avoided, she feels even more alone.
- Accept the bereaved without judgement. Endure the grief without wanting to divert it as quickly as possible. “But look how beautiful the flowers are,” doesn’t help the bereaved person. Instead, you should show them that you will stay by their side, even if the grieving process will take a long time.
- Do not be discouraged by refusals and do not take them personally. Someone who needs time for themselves today, might be happy over a friend with an open ear tomorrow.
- Birthdays or holidays are particularly painful for those who are grieving over a loved one. Reach out and send a card or some flowers. A message showing you remember is appreciated.
- Invite widows or widowers. Many groups of friends are made up of couples. Widows and widowers often shy away from going to their usual meetings alone. Friends should therefore make it clear that the bereaved person is still part of the group.
- Reach out to those who are grieving by offering practical help, for example: “If you like, I’ll bring you some soup tomorrow.” Care, closeness, and companionship can be beneficial for a grieving person and give them a sense of security and support.
Foto: chaylek – stock.adobe.com